I AM Grace Rosien

This is a fictional letter.

To whomever it may concern;

Thinking of you always brings a smile to my face. You make me laugh in my worst times and on my lowest days, you make me soar. I don’t know how I would have gotten this far without you. But sadly, this letter is not me devoting my love for you, this is a letter to tell you goodbye. I don’t think I’d ever be able to say goodbye to your face, or your voice, I would break down and never want to leave you. This is easier for me. No matter how much I miss you.

You never have, and never will understand how much you mean to me. You are clouds to my sky, the lily to my pond. But just like the sky and just like the pond, I can survive without you, I just feel better with you by my side. There are those cloudless days, they are so beautiful and so bright, they make me remember that I can do it without you, even if I don’t want to.

“Tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste; could it be worse?

Tears come streaming down you face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.”

This song, is a song that comes on frequently into my headphones, it is such a good song. Fix You, by Coldplay. It keeps me breathing and keeps me smiling, because I remember, that one day, someone will be my light. They will guide me home.

When I think of you, I think of a grey-blue. A blue I have never seen anywhere before, when you look at me, it seems different than how you look at everyone else. But maybe that’s just me. Your eyes seem to melt when you look at me. And they take me in for who I am, not who I was. Which is how a lot of people look at me nowadays.

I know that even though you don’t feel the same way about me, it doesn’t mean you don’t care for me. I know you do. And that makes me cherish you even more.

I see a picture of us, and it takes my breath away, so much that it hurts.

I don’t know when, or even if I will ever see you again, but when I do, I hope I can pretend we’re ok. Even if I want to reach out and touch your face.

I know I can make it. I need to extract the pain from my life, this is me trying.

Love,

Girl Who’s Trying

This is a fictional poem.

His hand on her soft cheek,
Makes her body feel so weak.
She shivers against his body,
He pulls her closer to him;
And all the pain comes back to Kim.
Like a knife in her chest.

The tears roll down her face,
She must be such a disgrace.
Will all this pain ever leave her be?
As he holds her through the night,
He becomes her bright shining knight.
A love unlike the rest.

Depression’s just like a cloud,
Sometimes it’s just so loud.
And blood, the colour of a rose,
Trickles down her arms from fresh wounds.
Her body is now so attuned.
He thinks it’s just a test.

She loves him like no other,
But why’s he even bother?
She is not worth any of his pain.
And yet he’s still waiting here.
His love for her won’t last she fears.
Just like all of the rest.

But yet she loves him still,
For her, any empty void he fills.
Her love for him seems to be so strong.
He thinks that it’s all his fault.
She knows it’s almost to a halt.
Their love is for the best.

Strong, in their veins it pounds,
Better than most have found.
Ready to be shared with two lovers.
Thoughts of his lips tingles her mind.
And his touch, for her seems so kind.
A bird protects his nest.

She wishes she could be happy,
For he’s so cutely sappy.
And her body disgraces her.
And sends such shame to her loved ones.
“Fat, ugly, scars!” And for that she runs.
She is never at rest.

Her body feels pain swell,
It’s like a damn living hell.
It burns inside her like a flame.
She wants everything to end.
For there’s no way for it to mend.
She’s told she was the best.

She writes her last goodbye,
For her time to go is nigh.
It couldn’t have gone any better.
She wishes she could feel him near.
But he’s gone, he can’t interfere.
The letter of her rest;

“My dear, I love you so,
But you need to get me go.
This feels like knives in my hurt heart.
But my time has come to a close.
I die by your gift of a rose,
Let me go to my rest.

For you I’d walk million miles,
My one true love, my Kyle.
Never forget the love we shared.
For my time was well spent with you.
For you have always been so true.
Our love was nothing less.

Don’t lose hope in yourself,
And store our love on a shelf.
I wish that our love could last,
You were my one and only love.
So set our love free like a dove.
Just know it’s for the best.”

So as the blood runs out,
She lets out a cry of doubt.
The pain is becoming too much.
As the world starts to fade away;
She wishes to him she could say,
“I wish you all the best.

You made it worth waiting.”
And everything’s fading.
The world that she once knew and loved.
And she see’s him running to her,
Hoping that he can be the cure.
In his arms she’s at rest.

Her life was lost that night,
He has lost all will to fight.
Her family has lost all hope.
Her friends feel a thorn in their hearts.
All their feelings locked in a jar.
Like a knife in their chest.

Their voices like fusion.
The tears like a rough poison.
Will this fresh hole ever close up?
And like an old stone they crumble.
Each lost in pain and so humble.
A young girl now at rest.

Growing up, I always felt like my brother, Simon, always got a lot of attention. I felt like everyone would take his side, even if it was his fault. But whenever we went up to visit you, you would always take my side, no matter what it was. You would eat the food that I didn’t want, and you would always be there for me.

This is for you.

I sit here with you, cradled in your arms, and I feel so protected. You’re teaching me to fish, and your hands hold mine as I awkwardly hold the fishing pole. You try helping me get a better grip, but it doesn’t seem to be working. That’s when we feel the tug. We’re holding the pole and it’s jerked to the side, then to the other side, then back. You hold tighter trying to make sure I don’t let go of the pole. You tell me to start reeling it in, so I do, really, really slowly. You help me and together we pull in the fish. It was huge. It was twisting and turning and trying to get free. So you pulled it into the boat and as you’re getting the hook from its mouth you look at me and see there are tears in my eyes. All I can think of is, “Maybe it’s a dad, or mom, what about its children…” But I don’t say anything. This is what you do. I want to be like you. You look into my eyes, and  I smile, and you smile back. You look at the fish, and you see it’s slowly stopping it’s struggle. So you give it to me and say, “Throw it back in the water, come on, I’ll help you.” Your hands cover mine and I throw it back into the water, smiling as I do so.

I look back at you, and a look of adoration fills your face. I turn fully around and throw my arms around you.

As you start paddling back I just start talking, as I usually do, filling the empty space. Every time I look back at you, that face is still there, and you smile at me encouraging me to continue on.

When we get back to shore we find Grandma and the rest and we drive back to the camp. But I don’t want to tell anyone what happened because it was so special to me. If I share it maybe it won’t be as special anymore.

We go back and have partridge and mashed potatoes and sit at the table being the loud, happy family everyone knows us to be. This family is getting bigger… We knew this would happen sooner or later. But no one really expected it to come so fast. We grew up to fast. Moments like this engraved into my mind. I will never forget the times I spent with you and everyone else. Maybe it’s just time to make new ones… new memories. A new life.