Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

Walkway of Hell

Sunday, June 9th, 2013

You’re the boy I can’t keep my eyes off. You’re the boy that as I walk through the halls I see you and blush. You’re the one I’ve had a crush on for years now, you’re the one who won’t like me back.

Captured by Tiffany Tremaine.

Captured by Tiffany Tremaine.

We talk like best friends, act like sweethearts, but we are just friends. All the effort I’ve put in has placed me in this place of friends. But friends is better than strangers. At least it lets me in your life. Your life of confusion and lost love. You’re fighting for a girl who doesn’t love you back. So why don’t you just turn around and let me. I’d show you compassion no other girl would. I’d show you the love I’ve stored up in my chest.

But your happiness isn’t mine to bring. It’s hers. The girl you are fighting so hard for. She’s the one who holds your heart. But I’ll hold your hand and walk beside you down this walkway of hell. I’ll help you get through this broken heart of yours. But I won’t forget the feelings I’ve buried. I’ll push them away so we can be happy.

Captured by Tiffany Tremaine.

Captured by Tiffany Tremaine.

I’ll push them away so I can help you find love. I’ll push them away till I’m convinced they’re gone. But deep down, I’ll always know. Deep down I’ll hate how I never stood up and kissed you. Deep down, I’ll be ashamed. But up front, I am happy. I am here. I am well. I show no sign of the war I’ve fought. I show no sign of the pain I’ve seen.

I’ll store that love for the one who will return it. I’ll store that compassion for someone who will appreciate it. I’ll save myself for someone who is right. I just hope that he’s waiting for me just as I am for him.

 

Photography by Tiffany Tremaine.

So Lost

Sunday, June 2nd, 2013

This is a fictional monologue.

I’m one of those people that don’t like hurting others. They can’t hurt them even if it means saving themselves. They would rather stab their own back then stab someone who has stabbed theirs tons of times. They’d take a bullet for their worst enemy. Because seeing others in pain, hurts them.

I feel so lost… I lost myself in the process of trying to find out who I really am. I’m gone; the old, happy me is gone… she’s vanished… I look in my mirror and see a girl with swollen, bloodshot eyes. With puffy lips and pink cheeks. I see a girl who has dug herself too deep. I see pain behind her eyes that she hides oh so well.

But at school, she’s so different. I see a bright, but fake, smile. I see eyes that have seen terrible things and lips that have been bitten to the point of breaking. But I don’t see myself. I never see that happy girl anymore. She’s gone. She’s been hurt too much to count. Too much to rebound.

That girl is buried too deep in pain. She’s drowned.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want her back, I want to smile and feel love and be happy. I want someone to unconditionally love me for me. But that won’t ever happen right.

Letter of Lost Love

Tuesday, May 14th, 2013

This is a fictional letter.

To whomever it may concern;

Thinking of you always brings a smile to my face. You make me laugh in my worst times and on my lowest days, you make me soar. I don’t know how I would have gotten this far without you. But sadly, this letter is not me devoting my love for you, this is a letter to tell you goodbye. I don’t think I’d ever be able to say goodbye to your face, or your voice, I would break down and never want to leave you. This is easier for me. No matter how much I miss you.

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You never have, and never will understand how much you mean to me. You are clouds to my sky, the lily to my pond. But just like the sky and just like the pond, I can survive without you, I just feel better with you by my side. There are those cloudless days, they are so beautiful and so bright, they make me remember that I can do it without you, even if I don’t want to.

“Tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste; could it be worse?

Tears come streaming down you face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.”

This song, is a song that comes on frequently into my headphones, it is such a good song. Fix You, by Coldplay. It keeps me breathing and keeps me smiling, because I remember, that one day, someone will be my light. They will guide me home.

When I think of you, I think of a grey-blue. A blue I have never seen anywhere before, when you look at me, it seems different than how you look at everyone else. But maybe that’s just me. Your eyes seem to melt when you look at me. And they take me in for who I am, not who I was. Which is how a lot of people look at me nowadays.

I know that even though you don’t feel the same way about me, it doesn’t mean you don’t care for me. I know you do. And that makes me cherish you even more.

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I see a picture of us, and it takes my breath away, so much that it hurts.

I don’t know when, or even if I will ever see you again, but when I do, I hope I can pretend we’re ok. Even if I want to reach out and touch your face.

I know I can make it. I need to extract the pain from my life, this is me trying.

Love,

Girl Who’s Trying

The Inevitable

Monday, October 15th, 2012

Death… death is unavoidable. It’s a fact of life. Some choose to hide from the topic, others choose to be scared of it. But me? I’m not scared of it. I think about it frequently…

Being who I am, my life feels like a tightrope, one where there is no net below to catch me if I fall. That if I did fall, everything would be over, and that’s that. And if I were to fall, there would be no “YOU HAVE 5 DAYS/HOURS/MINUTES TO LIVE. MAKE IT WORTH WHILE” Mega phone guy telling me that. I’d have maybe 5 seconds and it would be over. That’s how life is. Car crashes, cancer, disease, the end, everything. It just ends.

It’s like in a movie, when it’s so intense, you are so engrossed, then it’s suddenly over… everything is done. The lights come up and you’re still sitting there like, what? You don’t get a choice; you don’t choose your life, unless that is… you choose to end it early.

You know that feeling when you tip too far back in a chair and it feels like your heart drops out of your body? I wonder if that’s how life ends… you’re lying there, or sitting there, or standing there, and suddenly you get that feeling and your life is over. As fast as that.

There are so many ways you can die. A terrible disease, a car accident, malnourishment, old age, falling, and suicide. There are more than that, but that’s too much to write down. Sometimes people die slowly, but is that really better? You never get a chance to say goodbye to your loved ones. Unless you do every day. But that’s not the final goodbye.

The final good bye is them burying you in the cemetery with everyone else they love. But what about the tears streaming down their faces, the swollen eyes days after, months after; it’s the longing in their hearts. But some people can never say goodbye. Goodbye has to be the hardest word to say. Because no one wants to let go. Letting go can be leaving a part of your childhood behind. Or a part of your future.

Suicide is a different story all together. You can say goodbye, without anyone knowing your saying goodbye. But then they think about those last moments over and over again. What was the last thing I said? Did I offend them in some way to push it? Was it my fault? Could I have stopped it? Then they come to the conclusion, it’s all my fault. And that haunts them forever. Sometimes suicides can get national reports. Even some deaths can be, suicides or not.

Death can be a long discussion. And a hard one, especially if you know someone who has currently died. And I know a few who have. I know sometimes you think, how am I supposed to get over this? How do I move on?

And the most common one of all, “Why him/her?” or “It’s my fault.” “Did I say I love them?”

Sometimes you just have to move on… it isn’t easy, and it will take time. Just remember, it’s ok to cry.