I AM Grace Rosien

She was my friend, yes, my best friend? No. I’ve never had a girl best friend. I’ve had plenty of friends… but people never took me seriously enough. But, I’d rather have just friends than no friends at all.

We were walking in the park, Jessica, Andy and me (Maddy). We were on the bridge giggling about nonsense when I saw the most attractive guy ever. He looked right at me and smiled. So, I smiled back slightly blushing. Andy saw that my cheeks were slightly pink and turned. When she saw him she gasped, “Dibs!” I hated that, you can’t dibs a guy. Just like a guy can’t dibs a girl.

So being a good friend, Jess and I convinced her to walk up to him. So she walked over and his friend, Jake, walked over and started talking to us. They were in third year university; he was going to school to be a doctor, and his friend -Dustin- to be an architect.

Jessica was in third year to be a dancer, Andy third year to be a singer/actor and I was in second year for being an actor/director. I met them at a show, and we clicked and stayed friends.

After Jake convinced Dustin to go on a date with Andy he called her telling her he’d pick her up next Saturday for a picnic. That’s so cute… he’s talking her on a picnic! When Saturday came around, we helped her get ready. She wouldn’t listen to me; she wore all this fancy clothing. She kept thanking me for making her go on the date. I didn’t know how to respond, so I smiled and nodded.

When he knocked on the door I answered, he smelled so good… but I welcomed him in and told him she’d be down in a second. We made small talk and joked about how it shouldn’t take that long, it’s just a picnic. When she came in, she gave me a look that told me to back off. But when he saw her, he tried keeping his laughing in. He didn’t do so well. “We’re going on a picnic… not a movie premiere. You ready?” I laughed as they left. She wore heels.

We invited Jake in and hung out until she texted me asking to pick her up.

We all went and waited by the park gates. We heard them before we saw them; I could hear her voice all high pitched. And his lower. She was yelling at him. He was saying she was snotty and annoying. She was calling him old fashioned, stupid, gross and old. He’s her age… weird.

She came to us crying, Jess and I comforted her as well as we could, but there wasn’t much for us to do. The fight had started by him playing country music on the way there and then got gradually worse throughout the date and when he asked her to go camping with him and some friends she snapped. She hated everything out doors. Country music, cottages, camping, bonfires, ect. She just hated it. And whenever she’d visit my apartment, she’d make me turn off my country music.

It was a dark alley, there were no lights, and she was walking down it alone. Down the middle no less, she should have known better, but her mind was on other things. Better more intense things… so she didn’t notice when a shadow crouched up behind her until it was too late. She knew the smell of the chloroform before it touched her mouth.

The more intense things going through her mind was the feeling of his hand on her face, their bodies pressed tightly together, evaporating all space between them. Of his lips against hers, moist and soft. She could still feel his touch… still taste his lips. She was dizzy with love. She forgot about what she had to be scared of. She forgot that people were after her, that it wasn’t safe to be out alone at night.

Ruby was always cocky like that, she thought she could take anyone… but you can’t do much to fight chloroform. But she did get a good kick in.

It’s like she’s a ghost, wandering these halls. Every time I think I see her, a thread of hope is

brought back. But in the next second, it’s like it was snipped… Not cleanly, because it continues to bleed and hurt like an infected wound. Do I wish I could forget her? No. Do I want the pain to end? I guess… but does that mean forgetting her?

I’m scared that if the pain goes away, that I’ll forget how much of an impact she made on my life.

I remember once, when I was little and we had to give her and Smodge a bath… My brothers and I sat out on the couch while my mom and dad wrestled with the cats. All we could hear was ‘yowling’ and whispering. Then, everything went quiet and my brothers and I looked at each other, then jumped up all racing to get there first. I was the first one to get there. My mom gave me a bundle of what looked like cloth. But it was warmer, and vibrating. I lookeddown into the bright, little, green eyes of Clarissa. She was growling. After a lot of rubbing and shushing and talking to, Clarissa’s growling turned to purring. I could usually make her purr when she was growling. All my friends and a lot of our family would call her a Demon Kitty, I just called her my baby.

Whenever I was upset or just needed someone to talk or rant to, my cats would be the ones I’d go to. Because they couldn’t judge me.

Whenever I was crying Clarissa would come and curl beside me and lick my face, trying to get me to stop crying. I could use her right now.

I swear she could understand me. That’s why I could never say she was dying. But I’d talk to her for hours. She’d purr right beside me and occasionally lick me.

It feels weird to cry and not have her beside me. It makes me feel  empty. People always tell me that it’s weird to mourn an animal. But she was like a sister to me. Or a daughter. And I feel alone without her.

Everyone needs their time to mourn. And I hope I never forget her.

Fictional Monologue. 

Cheaters are people most people hate. But for some reason I keep going back to him… he cheats on me again and again and I never learn. I keep telling myself that I love him. But then when he cheats… he tells me that it meant nothing to him, that I’m the only one he’ll ever love. When he looks at me with those blue eyes, how could I deny it? So I fall for him again and again. But I’m done. I can’t handle that type of pain… I just can’t. It feels like something is digging deeper and deeper into my chest… Sooner or later I will break down… I guess I’m doing that right now.

But he hurts me. And he loves me. I love him. I love him… but I am seriously falling apart. I have depression. I have eating disorders. I have insomnia. I’ve been diagnosed for all of those… but how do I keep going with him? He’s only making it worse. I hate it! I have to leave… and never come back. I have to get better… maybe if I move… maybe if I leave this place then I’ll get better. My whole family is scared of me. I hate this. I told my parents what happened. So now we’re moving. I hope it gets better. I need it to. I really do.

Monologue by: Grace Rosien